Third time and I’m at a loss. The tears aren’t streaming as harshly as the last one. Not as painfully as the first. Dare I say I’m becoming immune to it. Pregnancy loss is such a deep confusing rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you hormones. It’s so unbelievably common yet I’m crushed it’s becoming our expected outcome. Too grateful for what I have to be mad. Sad for those trying relentlessly for their first. Spent my 20’s avoiding it. My 30’s yearning for it. In April we conceived a girl. Heard the words “there’s no heartbeat” in the summer. Every doctor visit alone and surgery alone due to COVID restrictions. Not pretty. Recovered, counted our blessings and prayed for better days.
Yes we did it. Another baby. Then today the dreaded, “there’s no heartbeat.” On our anniversary none the less. Just a reminder that challenges don’t plan their arrival. They just come to make us stronger. Tired of being sad, stressed, anxious and self blaming. Let’s cut the shit when it comes to being so damn quiet about our struggles. Talk about our miscarriages and losses. Talk about how having a family later in life comes with its own set of roadblocks. As women we have to fight harder to succeed. All while growing a family rests on our shoulders. In a society that tells us we can do it all. In reality we can, if we have the right support system. To any couple going through infertility or loss I stand with you. It’s a quiet room but we can break the silence. Thank you to my amazing doctors who made these experiences less frightening. You are rockstars. Thank you to my most supportive husband. Not looking for sympathy please. I’m aware of how blessed I am and that I’m unfortunately at the geriatric pregnancy age. Just tired of suffering in silence. If I can make one single person feel less alone, I’ve shared this for all the right reasons. Let’s break the stigma together. The more armed we are with facts, the better prepared we can be.
Now I’ve had one at 10 weeks, next at 12 and this one at 8! Clearly we have an issue with my eggs. I made the first step in reaching out for IVF and acupuncture. Lets see where this journey takes us.